Most couples hate having difficult conversations.
Nobody wants to address the tough issues. Whether it’s the money trouble. Arguments about trust. Or emotional wounds that have been inflicted over months or years.
But here’s the thing…
Avoiding these conversations doesn’t make them magically disappear. In fact, poor communication is the number one reason marriages end. According to research, 67.5% of divorce cases say communication is the main factor that led to their breakup.
That’s huge. And it’s why silence never solves your relationship problems.
If silence were an effective strategy, 67.5% of marriages wouldn’t be struggling.
The truth is that there is a solution. How couples approach difficult conversations determines whether they strengthen their relationship or end it.
In this article, you will learn exactly how couples can start those difficult conversations without ripping your relationship apart.
What you’re about to discover:
- Why Couples Avoid Difficult Conversations
- The Real Cost of Staying Silent
- 5x Strategies For Starting Hard Conversations
- When To Get Outside Help
Why Couples Avoid Difficult Conversations
If you ask most married couples why they avoid having hard conversations, the answer will always be the same: fear.
Fear of conflict. Fear of being rejected. Fear that talking about the problem will make things worse than they already are.
Think about all the couples who have experienced infidelity.
The partner who got cheated on doesn’t know how to bring up their feelings. The unfaithful partner may be too embarrassed to talk about what happened.
Both individuals are afraid of what might happen if they start the conversation.
Infidelity and affair counseling can help couples learn how to talk through the painful emotions that come from cheating.
However, affairs aren’t the only hard conversations that married couples struggle to discuss.
Others include:
- Money problems
- Intimacy issues
- Lack of trust
- Parenting styles
- Work conflicts
Each of these issues are sensitive topics. And when couples allow themselves to be vulnerable, it’s easier to say nothing at all.
The Real Cost of Staying Silent
As humans, we are hardwired to avoid pain.
Whether that pain comes from physical injury or emotional hurt. So it only makes sense that most people choose to “sweep things under the rug” rather than run the risk of feeling those negative emotions.
But here’s what happens when you don’t talk:
Resentment festers. Small annoyances turn into big fat ultimatums. Couples begin assuming things about their partner instead of asking questions. Emotional distance continues to grow every single day.
Eventually, that emotional distance leads to cheating.
According to another study, 20% of married men and 13% of married women cheat. While nobody loves to hear that their spouse cheated, they don’t do it because they fell out of love.
It usually happens because their needs were not met or voiced.
Most times, partners who stray simply stopped communicating with their spouse about how they were feeling.
When couples learn how to bring up the hard conversations, they can fix these issues before there is an opportunity to cheat.
5x Strategies For Starting Hard Conversations
You know the problems. You know that running from those conversations will kill your relationship if you don’t do something to change it.
So how do you start those hard conversations without ripping your relationship apart?
Pick the Right Time and Place
Don’t bring up heavy subjects when your partner is tired, stressed, or busy.
This doesn’t mean you should only talk when everything is rainbows and butterflies. But you should avoid having big conversations when you know your partner can’t handle them.
Ask if now is a good time to talk about something important. Create space in your lives to bring up sensitive subjects.
Use “I” Statements
There is a difference between expressing how you feel and blaming your partner.
Statements that begin with you always, you never, or you forget launch your partners’ defenses immediately.
Try rephrasing those statements using I feel or I would rather.
“I feel rejected when you don’t spend time with me.” allows for better conversation than “You never make time for me!”
Listen More Than You Speak
This advice should go without saying, but most couples fail at this step.
When most people think about having a difficult conversation. They mentally prepare how they will explain their side. What justifications they will use. And how they can prove their partner wrong.
The problem is that by doing this, you aren’t listening to your partner’s side of the story.
Listen to your partner explain their side of the story. Really listen. Ask questions once they are done speaking to ensure you understand them correctly.
The goal of these conversations isn’t to prove who is right. Your goal is to understand each other better.
Stay On One Issue
Happy couples know that when they bring up a problem it gets solved right then and there.
As quickly as your partner is letting that anxiety go about one issue. They will squeeze every ounce of frustration about every little thing you’ve ever done wrong into that conversation.
Avoid the urge to bring up other issues when talking about something hard.
Thank your partner for bringing that issue to you. Let them know you will address it at a later time.
Take a Time Out if You Need To
If you are like most people reading this. You’ve probably had (or participated) in one of these unhealthy conversations.
Both parties get more upset the more they say. Neither person is winning the argument. Yelling matches begin. Trust falls and the relationship crashes down.
Just because you made the effort to bring up a hard topic, doesn’t mean you have to finish that conversation that day.
Take a time out. Calm down.
Tell your partner “Let’s take a 10 minute break and revisit this.”
Time outs are not avoiding the conversation. It’s taking a mental break so you both can approach the conversation with clear heads.
When Professional Support Makes Sense
While couples can learn to handle most difficult conversations on their own. Some topics are nearly impossible to overcome without help.
Infidelity is one of those topics.
When trust has been broken, emotions become clouded. That makes having healthy productive conversations about the situation nearly impossible.
The right counselor can help couples who have experienced infidelity:
- Feel comfortable having healthy conversations about the affair.
- Provide communication tools that will help you guys grow stronger.
- Learn how to process your feelings without harming each other.
- Rebuild your trust one step at a time.
- Gain clarity on how to move forward.
Ask yourself this: if your partner cheated on you, would you want them to seek professional help to better understand why it happened?
Of course, you would.
There is nothing wrong with getting outside support to help you two have those difficult conversations.
Wrapping It All Up
Stepping into those hard conversations is scary as hell.
But staying silent and allowing resentment to build will destroy your relationship.
Every couple argues. Arguing over tough issues is better than saying nothing at all.
Let’s review:
- Most people avoid conflict because they are afraid
- Ignoring the problem allows resentment to build
- Pain is only temporary when you face it head on
- How you approach difficult conversations determines your relationship’s outcome
- There is no shame in seeking professional help
The toughest conversations can be the most rewarding.
You have everything to gain by facing your problems head on.
You have nothing to lose by running from them.