Forgiving others can have a healing effect and bring us closer together. We reveal why forgiving makes you happy and is good for your health and relationships. There is one way for you to feel more connected in a relationship. It is called quality time. We recommend you try learning how to play pokies with a partner.
If someone else does something hurtful to us, whether it’s just an insult or something more serious like an infidelity, we often show the following reactions: We avoid the other person or wish to retaliate or make amends. However, this can cause relationships to break down because we no longer allow the other person to get close to us. Or a vicious circle of retaliation develops. This is because the other person often perceives our supposed compensation as more serious than their actual deed. As a result, the other person will want to make amends. If someone doesn’t get out, this cycle can go on forever and destroy good friendships and relationships.
But there is another way: forgiveness is a way to break the cycle of retaliation and maintain relationships. We can never undo what has happened – but what we can control is our reaction to such an act that has hurt us.
This is what forgiveness means
Forgiveness brings us closer to others. Forgiveness means, according to the word, renouncing retribution or compensation. When we forgive, we do not demand what we are entitled to. We let go, renounce, stop “reproaching”, that is, naming, making known. By forgiving, we end the eternal pointing to the wound, the accusing of the other person. We forgive the other person their guilt, beyond just compensation.
In psychological research, forgiveness is also described as follows: instead of retaliation, the other person’s hurtful behavior is followed by a positive reaction. This means that you approach the other person instead of avoiding them and do not harbor anger, anathema or thoughts of revenge against them, but rather loving and accepting feelings. For a long time, little research was done on forgiveness. It was only in the 20th century that social scientists began to study the subject and were able to empirically prove the positive effects of forgiveness that had already been assumed.
This is what happens to you when you forgive others
Forgiving means letting go – and that makes you happy. People who are good at forgiving experience more positive and fewer negative feelings in their everyday lives. If you can forgive others, then you will:
- be able to look forward to more things in your everyday life
- Look to the future with hope
- be happier
- suffer less from depression
- and brood less.
Researchers suspect that this is partly because people who forgive can let go more easily and therefore carry less baggage around with them and can concentrate on the positive things.
However, researchers have not only found positive effects on an emotional level. Forgiveness was found to be beneficial for physical health – people who can forgive others have fewer cardiovascular problems than people who find it difficult to forgive and let go. However, this correlation is not exclusively due to forgiveness, but also to other factors.
This is why forgiveness is good for your relationships
Forgiving gives the other person the chance to reflect and come to an honest understanding. There are many situations in which you can forgive: Your partner after an infidelity, a friend who started a rumor, or even your parents after years of conflict.
When you forgive, you give the other person the chance to think honestly and impartially about their actions without getting caught up in defensive reflexes. The other person does not have to justify themselves or try to make amends. They can reflect and draw their conclusions without fear of consequences. This often has a lasting effect on the other person and is more likely to lead to an admission. It is much more likely that the other person will learn something from their actions than if we insist on compensation or avoid the other person from now on.
When we forgive, we show honest appreciation for the person behind the deeds and do not reduce them to their offenses and misconduct.
However, we often find it difficult to refrain from apologizing. We at least want to feel that the person regrets what they have done. Perhaps we simply want to understand why the other person did it. But that’s not what forgiveness is about! If you forgive, you have no expectations of the other person in this regard.